


Last Words

by akhikaru



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Accidental Death, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:09:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akhikaru/pseuds/akhikaru
Summary: Jun wished he hadn't been such a jerk. Not that it would bring Sho back from the grave.





	Last Words

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an anon meme.

"What the hell do you mean you cannot come to the rehearsal _again_ , Sakurai Sho?"

Jun slammed the door on his way out of the green room. Even though he was far away now, they could still listen to him yelling in the corridor. They couldn't understand a word, but they could guess how the conversation went. Sho had missed all their rehearsals that week and Jun was fuming mad about it. They heard things crashing on the ground and loud cursing.

"FUCK YOU SHO! JUST FUCK YOU!"

"Uh-oh…" Aiba sighed.

Nino shook his head. "That doesn't sound right."

"It's the third time this week," Ohno said, rubbing his eyes. 

The other two nodded in response, and they waited in silence until Jun came back. Jun's face was red because of so much yelling. They didn't dare to make any comment. Jun's mood had been quite volatile the last few days; he attributed it to the stress of planning the tour and making sure everything was going alright, but they knew that it was all about Sho not being around for more than a week. Jun denied being worried about Sho though. Today, however, he didn't seem to have any intention to cover it. He had reached his limit. He sat on the couch, buried his face in his hands and groaned.

"There, there…" Aiba scooted next to Jun and stroked his back. "Stop worrying so much."

"How do you want me to not be worried? We haven't heard of him for over one week, except when he calls to tell me he won't show up!" Jun yelled. "He went to Iraq, for God's sake! You know how crazy things are over there right now!?"

"I know. I'm worried about him too. We all are."

"He didn't have to go there!"

"I agree," Nino joined the conversation. "But you know how stubborn he can be. After he heard that his information about ISIS hadn't been accurate, he got obsessed with it and said he'd go directly to the source."

"But he's not a journalist!" Jun protested. "He didn't have to do it!"

"This is Sho we're talking about, J. You know he won't rest until he feels like he did his job well."

"I thought Arashi was his priority, not his small corner in Zero!" Jun grumbled.

Aiba, Ohno, and Nino sighed. No matter what they said, they knew it'd be impossible to make Jun stop being so anxious until he saw Sho back in Japan in a piece. They were positive Jun would yell at Sho for hours, and that Sho would apologize a million times before Jun could breathe in peace again. Sho wouldn't have it easy. Fortunately, their manager came in and informed them that Sho would take the next flight to Japan.

"See? He'll be here by the end of the day" Nino patted Jun's shoulders. "You can scold him as much as you want when he's back, okay? Now let's start the rehearsal. The juniors seem to be getting bored."

Jun didn't feel like rehearsing anymore. His nerves had been eating him ever since he found out Sho was planning a trip to one of the most dangerous places in the world. He couldn't tell Sho not to go though. Jun wasn't Sho's boss and therefore could not give him any orders. He wasn't his mom, dad or sibling, so he lacked the family status that could give him enough importance to affect his decisions. He wasn't Sho's lover either.

Jun bit his lip. Maybe if they were lovers, he could have used it to stop Sho from jumping right into the lion's den. Jun had been in love with Sho for as long as he could remember, it almost felt like he had never loved anyone else. He wished he had the guts to tell Sho about his true feelings. He wished he hadn't lied about it when Sho confronted him an afternoon and asked whether Jun liked him or not. Jun had panicked and answered with a hasty 'no', noticing a slightly disappointed expression in Sho's eyes afterwards. Why didn't he correct himself? Why did he start talking nonsense and laughing, while Sho looked at him with those sad eyes?

Jun sighed. What was done was done, and after that day the topic had never been mentioned again. By now, the best would be to focus on the rehearsal. He'd deal with Sho and with his feelings later.

It was pretty late when they finished. Jun couldn't wait to get home and sleep a little, he was physically and mentally exhausted. As he was packing his stuff, their manager showed up. The man was pale, so were the two staff members accompanying him. This couldn't be good news.

"What happened?" Nino asked.

"It's… it's about Sakurai-kun…"

Jun felt his anger rising again. This had to be a joke. "Did he call you to say he won't come here tomorrow either? Because if it's that, tell him I don't give a shit and he can quit Arashi for all I care!"

The man shook his head frantically. "No, no! It's… not… that…"

"Then?"

The manager was silent for a few seconds. Jun's heart started pounding hard inside his chest. The worst scenarios started crossing his mind. Did Sho get kidnapped by some terrorists? Was he unable to catch his plane on time because of a bombarding? Was he ill or hurt? Jun started losing his patience at the lack of response from the manager.

"Say something already!" Jun snapped.

"He… he…" the man gulped. "S-S-Sakurai-kun just passed away in a hospital in Yokohama."

Jun's heart stopped beating for what he swore was an eternity after the words escaped the man's mouth. Did he hear it wrong? Apparently not because when Ohno requested the manager to repeat it, he said it without hesitation. Jun could feel the ground under his feet start shaking. "No, you're lying, that's impossible!"

"The plane where he was traveling crashed. It seems there was a problem with the landing gear" the man explained. "The only passengers were Sakurai-kun and a few staff. The rescue team managed to take them to the hospital, but the doctors couldn't do anything for Sakurai-kun since his condition was too bad—"

"No, no, no…" Tears were already streaming down Jun's cheeks. "That can't be true! Maybe they got it wrong! Maybe it was someone else!"

"Matsumoto-kun…"

"That's a lie! Sho can't be dead! He can't!" Jun grabbed the manager's collar and shook him. "Go and check it again!"

"Jun…" Ohno put a hand on Jun's shoulder.

"Riida, tell him it can't be true! They have to check again, right? The family must confirm the identity before they can say it for sure, right? RIGHT!?"

Ohno held Jun tight against his chest and let him cry his heart out. Nino was frozen in his seat, as though he hadn't fully digested the news. Aiba, who started crying in silence next to him, rested his head on Nino's shoulder. The manager was still standing there without uttering a word. Only the sound of Jun's loud sobs filled the room.

 

Jun woke up with a horrible headache. He sat up and noticed he wasn't in his bedroom when he saw a big painting hanging on the wall as well as fishing gear. Next to him was Aiba, still fast asleep. His eyes were puffy and there was the trace of the tears he shed the previous night when he and Jun cried themselves to sleep embracing each other. Jun rubbed his eyes. It felt surreal, but it had happened. They did get drunk and cry all night in Ohno's apartment. Sho was really gone forever.

"You're awake." Jun lifted his eyes from Aiba's sleeping form to find Ohno leaning on the door's frame. "Did you sleep well?"

"What do you think?" Jun replied.

Ohno sighed and sat next to Jun, taking one of Jun's hands in his own. He couldn't find any appropriate words for this moment, so he just stayed there in silence. Jun didn't say anything either. Nino showed up a few minutes later seeming extremely distracted, something uncommon for him. The manager had called him just a moment before. Apparently, they were required to attend a press conference in two hours.

"Are you kidding me? How can they possibly ask us to appear on TV now!? Do they have any feelings!?"

"It's the biggest news today, Jun. Everyone must be waiting for a statement from us." Ohno scratched his head. "That's how media works, and you know it."

Jun and Nino exchanged sad glances and they both sighed. It was the bitter reality of the entertainment world. They woke Aiba up and got ready to face the cameras. The manager came to pick them up fifteen minutes later so that the makeup artist could make them look at least presentable in front of the multitude of journalists awaiting them. It was useless. Not even ten layers of foundation could cover the sadness filling their hearts.

They had done this before several times. Standing in front of the cameras to talk about new albums, dramas, movies or special events wasn't a rare occurrence. However, this time none of them wanted to be there, not with what they had to tell the world. As they stood there, Jun remembered how Sho would always be the first to speak whenever they were in this situation. _He always knew what to say._ Jun held back his tears and looked ahead.

The journalists bombarded them with questions. Surprisingly, it was their leader, Ohno, who answered to most of them. He was the only one who managed to remain serene in the middle of the tragedy. That's when Jun realized that he was actually way stronger than he seemed. The journalists, however, wanted more and more. They demanded to hear what every single member had to say.

Jun wasn't able to hear anything but his own heart on the verge of explosion. How was he supposed to talk about it without breaking down? He didn't hear Ohno's calm yet full of emotion speech. He didn't notice Aiba was almost choking as he spoke because he could barely utter a word without sobbing. He didn't see how Nino cried his heart out in a press conference for the first time ever. He almost didn't feel everyone's eyes on him, waiting for what he had to say as he just stared into space.

"Matsumoto-kun?"

"Eh?" Jun blinked. No one made a sound. He gasped and reached for the microphone Nino was holding in his extended hand. "I… I don't even know how to start…" he said. "I still can't believe this is real. Yesterday, I… I talked to him on the phone and…"

Jun was unable to continue speaking. The memory of the last words he yelled at Sho in the middle of their argument was more painful than anything else. How he wished to take them back! If only he had said something different! _Fuck you Sho, fuck you!_ He never imagined those would be the last words Sho would hear from him.

"And now he's gone, he's gone forever," he said after clearing his throat, wiping his tears hastily. Next to him Aiba, Nino, and Ohno were crying as well. "I don't know what we'll do without you, Sho-kun! Arashi will never be the same without you! We miss you, we miss you so much! I'd do anything to have you back at least for a moment, anything! I wish this was a bad dream and that you would be by our side when I woke up from it. But it's not. It's not a dream Sho-kun…" Jun's voice cracked. "We love you, we always will. Please watch over us from heaven."

After Jun finished his speech, they were allowed to leave the stage. It had been the most painful experience they had ever gone through as a group.

The funeral was two days later. Contrary to what people would have expected of an idol of his category, Sho's funeral was rather small. Only his family, a few close friends, and even fewer co-workers attended it. The journalists had been practically harassing Sho's family since the news was made public, demanding a statement from them. Jun's blood boiled with anger. Just how far would they go to sell tabloids? To get high ratings? Following celebrities around town was one thing, but stalking a mourning family? That was outrageous.

The fans had made it into the news as well. Fans all over Japan were traveling to bring flowers to the place where the plane crashed, near Yokohama. In social networks, the hashtag "Sayonara, Sho-chan" was among the worldwide trending topics during three days in a row. Sadly, some people didn't handle the news very well. It was informed that some fans had taken their lives the same day Sho's death had been reported.

Jun was a complete emotional wreck. He didn't know what to do anymore. Life without Sho, he had never imagined it. Yet here they were, standing in front of his coffin, minutes before he'd be buried six feet under the ground. Jun took a look at Sho's face. He looked so peaceful, as though he were sleeping. Jun stroked his cheek, not resisting the urge to do it. The coldness of Sho's skin reminded him of the truth. He would never wake up again.

The ceremony was short. The small group of people who attended left right after everything was done. Only the four Arashi members stood in front of that grave, each of them submerged in their own thoughts. Finally, Ohno spoke.

"What will we do now?" Everyone turned to look at him. "I heard they're ready to start marketing us as a four-member group so that we are able to continue our activities as planned."

"We can't do that!" Aiba protested. "Arashi is a five-member group, remember? Even Sho-chan said it! Without Sho-chan, there's no Arashi! It's all or nothing!"

"I agree," Nino said. "It's not going to be the same if he's not with us, and I'd rather our fans remembered how it was when he was here."

"Riida?" Jun asked.

Ohno nodded. "Then, it's decided."

The next day, Arashi was news again. The idol group announced they would disband after the next tour, causing an uproar among fans and media. The four men didn't hesitate in their decision. They agreed to extend their tour so that as many fans as possible could attend. At the end of the last concert on January 25th, a date they purposely picked in memory of Sho, they'd hold their hands for the last time and Jun would ask the audience "our name is…" and, also for the last time, the multitude would reply with that name that during fifteen years had been theirs.

_Arashi._

 

Six months passed since they disbanded on Sho's 33rd birthday, nine since they had lost him in that unfortunate accident. Whatever had been in their plans nine months ago was nowhere near to what they were actually doing now.

Ohno sent his resignation letter the day after the last concert. Arashi was the only reason he kept working there after all. With Arashi disbanding, he decided to retire from the entertainment world. No one knew with certainty what he was up to after he disappeared from the public eye. In the very few times Jun had seen him, Ohno didn't talk much about it. If his skin color was anything to go by, he was probably fishing more often than ever.

Aiba quit around one month after Ohno did. His main activities had always been the Arashi-related ones, and after a month of practically not having anything to do, he got bored and left. He still appeared as a guest in variety shows quite regularly, but no longer as a Johnny's talent. Jun would occasionally meet him and drink together. Aiba's company never failed to cheer him up. It reminded him of the good old times.

Nino, on the other hand, continued his career as a solo singer under the J-Storm label. His first album was scheduled to be released on September 15th, a date he had picked by himself. One of the tracks was dedicated to Arashi members, and it was rumored that in the limited edition he included a song he and Sho co-wrote before Sho's death. The rumors also said that Sho had already recorded his vocals for it before the accident, making the bonus song a duet and also, if true, the last song Sho recorded. No one knew to which extent those rumors were true since Nino refused to either confirm or deny them.

As for Jun, he had received many offers for drama roles during those months, most of which he had to turn down. Unlike Nino, he declined the offer to record new songs. Recently, he had accepted to help with the production of Sexy Zone's first Asia Tour. Jun was drowning in all the work he had to do, but he endured it. The less free time he had, the less time he'd have to feel sad about Sho and torture himself with 'what if' questions. He still couldn't forgive himself because of those last words he had said to Sho, and nothing he did could make that pain disappear.

It was a sunny July morning. Jun was kneeling before Sho's grave like he did almost every day. "Sho-kun, hello," Jun said with a smile. "It's me again, Jun. It must be annoying for you that I keep coming back so often. I hope you don't mind." He giggled.

Jun was grateful that the cemetery was almost empty. A man talking to a grave must be a pitiful thing to see, he thought. It was good that paparazzi weren't following him so often anymore.

"Sho-kun… the truth is I won't be here for a while. I'm sorry. Sexy Zone is going on a tour for a couple of months, and I will join them. They're great, you know. Working with them is so much fun. It reminds me of the times we were planning our tours." He smiled bitterly. "I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you every day! I can't help thinking that if I hadn't been such an asshole and insisted you came back right away maybe you'd still be here…" Jun bit his lip. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

His alarm went off, meaning it was time for him to head to the airport. "Ah, damn it! I have to go!" Jun put the big bouquet of red roses in front of Sho's gravestone, where a small photography of Sho smiling widely was placed. Jun looked at it lovingly and stood up. "I love you Sho. I always did. I always will."

Jun stormed off the cemetery right after that. Duty was calling.


End file.
